"Harmless" Lies

I'm not sure if anyone else can relate to this, but have you ever justified little lies by thinking you weren't hurting anyone else with a lie because you didn't intent to harm them? I always thought I was a nice person and I HATED confrontation. I would avoid it at all costs, even if it meant hurting myself, or not standing up for myself. I was a people pleaser to a fault. In an effort to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, offending them or making them feel awkward, I often lied to avoid those feelings. I now realize that in doing so, I hurt them even more. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that if someone asks "do I look fat in this?" that we should say yes. But what I learned is that there are ways to be nice AND kind and not lead people to believe things that aren't true. Here's an example:

I went through a divorce about 4 years ago and was nervous about the thought of dating again. So, in my younger dating life, I sometimes found myself in an awkward position of me being a friend and nice to guy and then having him ask me on a date. If I wasn't interested in him, it lead to an uncomfortable situation. I was not as sure of myself then and think that I partly liked the attention of a guy liking me, but my intention wasn't to hurt him. But that's exactly what I was doing. I was leading him on for him to think I may be interested and when he asked me out I would go, because I couldn't tell him no. I later told myself a lie that it was because I was nice that I'd agreed to the date, but the truth is that I didn't want to be uncomfortable myself but being honest and telling him how I felt. This was selfish on my part because I was doing this to avoid being uncomfortable myself. I didn't realize that in doing this, I lead the guy on further, made him think there was a mutual attraction and then went on further dates. Then I would find myself in a position of him wanting to have a "define the relationship" talk where I ended up hurting him more because his feelings had grown, while I was hoping he'd somehow lose interest on his own.

So, I dreaded going back into the dating world and getting back into those uncomfortable situations. I had been taking a look at myself and doing an inventory of things I'd done wrong and patterns and problems that kept arising in my life. These negative patterns are there for us to learn from, and when we ignore them, they repeat themselves until we finally learn the lesson from it. This was one of those lessons for me and an area I needed to change. It was the start of my wake up call. And it wasn't just in the dating world. I would often tell someone what I thought they wanted to hear to keep the peace or avoid any hurt or offense. I decided to make some personal changes. There had to be a way to be kind, AND honest. I didn't want to be disappointing people and have them not trust my word, but that is what had happened. Instead of always trying to please everyone, my goal was now to be "kind" to everyone and true to myself.

So, in re-entering the dating world, I had a new strategy. I would be kind, but not be flirty with a guy I wasn't at all romantically interested in. I somehow was a magnet for MUCH older guys sending me a message to ask me on a date. I would respond kindly and thank them for the flattering request, compliment them on having the courage when many guys aren't taking dating serious so good for them, if I knew them, I'd tell them something I admired about them. Then I'd just let them know that I appreciate the message but I would have to decline on a date. I'd love to still have your friendship and company in that way. Sometimes I would also just say that I wasn't comfortable with the age difference. Or that while I thought they were a great person, I didn't feel like we were a good match. Again, my goal was to be as kind as possible, not lead him on but still maintain a friendship. Many times, I'd get a kind response thanking me for my honesty and kindness, and we would stay friends. Sometimes I'd even soften things by suggesting we get together as a group since I had some great girlfriends who he may be interested and connect with. I liked to build them up and not be discouraged to put themselves out there since none of us like rejection. Just because I wasn't interested, didn't in any way mean that there was anything "wrong" with them, but that I felt they were a great person who had a match out there for them so keep trying.

In the career world, I didn't want an employer or co-worker to think I wasn't capable of a task so when asked about my abilities or strengths, I pretended to have more than I did. This just ended up with me having more stress and unhappiness in the workplace since I WASN'T actually good at everything and then disappointed myself and others when we all figured that out. And I brought it on myself. Ha! I made changes there too. When i went to a job interview, I was up front and honest with them on the type of job I really enjoyed and strengths I had, as well as weaknesses. They gained more respect for me for my honesty and I found that my job ended upa  better fit and they were able to provide better support for me, knowing what my natural weaknesses were to have others help me in those areas.

Have you ever asked someone to lie or cover for you, or done the same for someone else? Seems harmless right? We are just being a good friend, spouse or being loyal. Wrong! We are playing part and encouraging dishonesty. Each time we lie or ask others to lie, we need to ask ourselves why. Each lie, big or small, damages our character. Even something little like "nope he's not home right now" when really they just don't want to talk to the person, causes problems. Why not just say, he's not available right now, or he's in the middle of something, can I pass along a message? If we are trying to avoid someone, if we just confront it head on we are better off. Avoiding or delaying uncomfortable situations/conversations, result in being more hurtful to someone, and cause more stress on ourselves over the long run than to just deal with it up front.

Friends would often ask me for my opinion and advice on relationships and life in general (like we all do). I realized that while I was listening to them, I would just agree and go along with what they had concluded, even if I could see patterns and harm they were bringing on themselves (like we all do). I realized that a true friend, in my opinion, would kindly help me see things that I may be missing. I resolved to be a better friend. I wanted them to be happy and LOVED when friends were honest with me (when they did it genuinely and with kindness). Friends who would go from one relationship to another without any time to love themselves in between for example, would appreciate the insight that there is nothing wrong with them that these relationships fail. The problem was more the timing and way they entered the relationship. Doing it to complete yourself, instead of being a "whole" person and finding another "whole" person for example was a relationship much more likely to succeed. I had to learn this one the hard way myself. I also learned that two good people may not always be the BEST fit for each other. It's not a reflection of either person's value but rather Heaven;y Father's way of helping us to learn from that relationship, and then become a better person, more prepared for the BEST person for us when the timing and person are right. Helping friends through hard break ups and times for me is a rewarding area and I enjoy helping them to see things more clearly and with honest perspective.

Have you ever made plans with family or friends, even though you knew you were likely not able to keep the plans? Or commit to helping or doing something for someone when you knew your schedule was already too full? It's ok to say no. They aren't going to hate you, but will respect you for not wasting their time or letting them down later. I was horrible about this. I now try hard to not commit to anything unless I'm rather certain I can come through. Sometimes I'll say, "I will will really try hard to be there, but I can let you know for sure when it gets closer since I don't want to let you down if I'm not able to be there". My relationships have been stronger as I've tried to make these changes.

When we are comfortable with ourselves and accept ourselves for our strengths and weakness, we no longer feel the need to pretend to be someone we aren't. Not all of us are meant to look like a Barbie doll, be perfect at crafts, bake goods to provide service to others, and have no flaws to work on. We are on this earth because we are ALL imperfect and have flaws we are constantly working to improve. So why do we feel like we need to live a lie and pretend to be perfect?  When we embrace our weakness, learn to relax and laugh about our weaknesses, we ACTUALLY connect better with other people and invite them to do the same. Then we can be real friends and genuinely help each other through tough times, and celebrate the good times. We help each other to learn, and GROW! Don't lie to yourself or others, BE yourself and others will respect you more and help you to improve. This has been sooo good for me to learn and apply, even though pride can still creep in and tempt me to retreat to my old ways. Living a life of honesty brings so much more peace and joy.

These are just some minor examples, but I wanted to illustrate that even these little white lies can cause harm and damage to our character and credibility with others. It's been SO liberating to learn how rewarding truth telling is in every area. If we strive to live our lives in a way that we don't ever feel we HAVE to lie, embelish or stretch the truth, the truth really does set us free! People gain more respect and love for us and know that we aren't over promising. Our word becomes dependable and allows others to count on us and invites them to do the same. No one will dislike us for being honest when we do it with kindness and love. Those who I love the most are honest with me, even if it's something hard for me to hear. I know they care about me, my happiness and well being. I hope that this is a lesson I can always remember and be reminded of it's importance as it has been a life changer lesson for me. It's been rewarding to share this with others as well, who have had similar experiences. We now laugh at how we used to live our lives and how much better they are now that we are more honest with ourselves and others. We are all here on earth to learn, grow and help others through life. We need to be more kind to ourselves and others!