Be Happy Now

Letting go of the past was one of the most difficult things for me to do. This has two parts for me; I had made poor choices that brought me to where I was and I also felt that things happened TO me that "weren't fair". In my mind I was a victim of my circumstances. Have you ever asked yourself, why is this happening to me, thought this isn't fair, or I will be happy once someone else or something else changes? These were all too familiar for me, which was ironic since I've always thought of myself (maybe part of the problem) as a positive and generally happy person. But, deep down, I was also feeling these questions and thoughts which I felt kept me from really being able to BE happy. It really never occurred to me that you could go through hard and unfair things in life & also be happy. Now finding myself divorced and without my own loving family that I've always wanted, I've sometimes felt these same feelings again. Here are some examples:

When I was married for a few years we decided to start a family and I thought it would be that simple. I figured we would go off birth control and within a few months we'd get pregnant. Well, guess again. My youngest sister also decided the same thing a couple of months after we did & sure enough that plan worked for them. Even though our relationship had its ups and downs, I somehow hoped that starting a family would bring us closer and help us to prioritize our values and beliefs. I really loved my husband and was excited to have kids. I also fell into the trap mentioned above which is that I thought that having a family would make me happier. I told myself that then I would relate better with all my sisters who had kids and others that I went to church with as well. I had this fairytale ending in my head that once I had those things my life would be better. Well over the next 3-4 years of marriage I miscarried twice. The first one was the day before our wedding anniversary and was truly devastating to us both. The pregnancy HAD brought us closer together and our priorities and values were the strongest and best they had been our whole relationship. However, once I miscarried, those feelings and enthusiasm for the better life we were progressing toward went away, almost instantly. I wondered why something that seemed so good for us both would be taken away. I then miscarried again 7 months later. I didn't understand it at all, and felt even more that my happiness would be delayed until we could have kids. I wasn't able to be happy in the moment since I was living in the future.

I have been married twice now; once for 4 years when I was 18 & again for almost 7 years when I was 26. I have learned a lot about myself in both divorces and have had to take a long look at myself since I was the common denominator. In going through a divorce initially, there are so many vulnerabilities out there that cause you to doubt who you really are and really stand for and people often make mistakes in judgment. I had for sure fallen into that myself when I got divorced the first time and I wanted to be extra careful to try to avoid it as much as possible the 2nd time. Each time though I hated the fact that I was divorced. I really hated being alone. I felt that once I found someone again and could be married and starting toward the family that I wanted again, then I would be able to be happy. This caused me to place such an importance on a relationship and between the 1st and 2nd marriage this proved to be the driving force for me. I seemed to care more about being loved and accepted than anything else. I got my validation from others and I needed that in order to feel ok about myself. (So I was basically using other people, even though I didn't recognize it as such at the time). Being lonely IS hard and not ideal for anyone I don't think, but it's not only possible, but essential to be happy alone before you can even possibly be truly happy with someone else.

When I had been married for a few months (the 2nd marriage), I discovered something in my marriage that caused me to lose respect and trust with my husband. He was worried at the time that I wouldn't stay with him and work with him through it, and I was worried I may never trust or respect him again. I did chose to forgive and move forward and felt I was trying to give him a chance to move on and forward. The problem was that I had a hard time actually doing it. I felt that it wasn't fair and even felt trapped in my marriage since I couldn't figure out what I could even do about about it. I felt such a loss of control and deep sadness. I wanted to forgive, but I didn't really know how to. Over the next several years I had a hard time feeling like he was worthy of my love and understanding even though I felt I tried hard to give it (on the outside anyway). My heart wasn't soft though and my walls were up from being hurt. I worried that he would slip again, which he did multiple times which just further proved that he "didn't care to earn my trust and respect back" (or so I saw it in my mind). I felt this was a reflection on his feelings for me and our relationship and couldn't ever really let go of the past. I made justifications of my own actions/poor choices as well as my thoughts toward him and our relationship based on the hurt I'd felt.

Over the years I've made a series of poor choices and done things that have caused damage to my soul. Instead of really dealing with why I did them, or getting them resolved, or learning from them, I just hoped to pretend they didn't exist & thought they'd go away on their own. I had let myself down by not consistently living by the values and beliefs that I had. My values and beliefs weren't strong enough for me at the time to be the driving force for my decisions. I didn't want to face reality or the consequences of my actions/thoughts/etc.

I felt that I had done some really good healing and was in a good place for a meaningful relationship in my life. Even though I wasn't focused on getting into one, I was open to the idea. I went out with an amazing guy that I'd been set up with and almost from the beginning I started to fall in love with him. Everything seemed to go so smooth and easily and for the first time in my life I knew what it felt like to have the fairytale love. To be connected logically (on paper he was everything I was looking for in a husband), emotionally, and especially spiritually was brand new for me. Things progressed quite quickly and after only 2 1/2 months we were making plans to be married. He had lost his wife to a battle with cancer after 2 1/2 years almost 1 year prior to us dating and had 4 amazing kids he was caring for full time. I was so excited to move to California to be with him and the kids, to be a mom and start my new perfect life. Well, the pressures mounted for him and sensing his hesitation and stress, we decided to take a break. During this time he realized that he still needed to heal from his past hurt on losing his wife and we broke things off. We both knew this was the right decision, but it was hard. I knew from my own experiences that it was necessary for him to be in a good place before he could really give of himself in a marriage and he really wasn't ready. I was upset and deeply depressed for a couple of weeks as I felt it wasn't fair and tried to make sense of my experience. I wasn't upset with him, but hated my situation. I had already been happy and was excited to be happier with my new family.

All of these situations and several others were motivators for me over the past 20 months. I realized that I was not happy with myself or my situation, but that it started with me. When I live in the past and feel it's unfair or even justify my own poor choices, or live in the future to think that I can only be happy when my life looks a certain way, I get myself into trouble. All of our experiences are there to teach us and give us experience, IF we let it. If we don't we become a victim until we DO let go. If we are angry with someone for doing something TO us, that anger is hurting us the most. When we CHOSE to let go of any anger, hurt, jealousy about the life we want etc., we free ourselves to be able to live and be happy in the current one.

This is no easy task to accomplish in my opinion and something I may always struggle with in my life. For me, just being aware that it was completely within my control and a decision for me to make was liberating and helped me start. The next part is harder, which is to apply the Atonement to your life in order to really be able move forward and enjoy the now. I always thought if the Atonement as something you applied when you sinned and needed to be forgiven. It is for so much more than that! Jesus Christ felt all of our pains, injustices, insecurities, loneliness, heartache, etc. and invites us to come unto Him for comfort and help to heal from these things. The key though is that we have to LET Him and ask for the help! When we sincerely put our relationship with Him first, we are blessed with a healed heart from all of these things. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of consistent effort on our part, but it's worth it! In doing that, we are able to shed ourselves of all of these things that hold us back and keep us from experiencing the true joy and happiness that comes from feeling our Savior's love and guidance in our lives. When we make the choice and take action for good choices and following HIM, we are blessed in abundance which far exceeds any sadness, loneliness, heartache, unjustices done to us, etc. We are able to appreciate the lessons we learn from our hard times and see that others weren't trying to hurt us, but were hurting themselves. We no longer care about justifying our actions or making someone else wrong. We care more about living our life and just following the peace and joy that comes from making good choices. I often see people who have gone through divorces and can feel their hatred toward their former spouse. This sadness me and I can also relate to the pain and misery that these feelings foster. It is my prayer and hope that we will be able to turn to Him and ask for help in letting these feelings go so that we can better embrace our current and happy life that's waiting for us to decide to live it. I currently have no job, live with my sister, am not in a committed relationship and yet I find myself blissfully happy and getting happier and happier as time moves forward. I'm so blessed and thankful to a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. He has placed some amazing people into my life to help me through the storms and allows me to same opportunity to be there for others in their storms. I know that it starts with me placing my relationship with Him about all others.